IGNTD HOSTS, PHILOSOPHIE FOUNDERS AND FAMILY,
MEET THE JAFFES, PART I
THE BACKGROUND STORY
WOO: I’m so excited to have you both, Sophie and Dr. Adi, on the blog. As you know, I’m a huge fan of IGNTD and I love your story. For our readers, how does your story begin?
SOPHIE JAFFE: We had baby Kai, almost 9 years ago. I was very young, I was 26 at the time, and we didn't know really what we were doing. We didn't have any friends that had babies. We didn't have any kind of role models in that regard. We didn't have any family here. My stepmom lives here, but she didn't have her own children. So, we kind of had to make up our own rules in the beginning and one thing that we knew about being parents, even though we didn't necessarily know how, is that we wanted to maintain our love, our relationship first and foremost.
And so we realized that it wasn't going to just happen for us. We had to make it happen, and carve out the time, and get babysitters. It was in that first six months of a new baby when we decided we need to have a regular date night, it doesn't even have to be once a week, that's not necessarily realistic.
We need to check in and that needs to be away from the kids and we need to have boundaries around that. We need to not be always talking about the kids. We allow a little bit of like, oh this cute thing happened or looking at these photos, but the whole date night can't be about the kids. You have to have a relationship outside of that just like we would have a relationship outside of work. So, there are boundaries around that. If we talked about work for a while and then he sees me, my eyes go crossed, and I'm like, I'm so done with work right now and the same thing goes for kids! Just as long as you talk about what you love, what you’re passionate about and your children, you have to make time to nurture the relationship because that's what started it all.
WOO: Beautifully said. Adi, how do you feel?
DR. ADI JAFFE: Yeah, I mean we talked about this a lot with our parents every week. I didn't have a lot of time married without kids. So, we dated for five years with a year break in the middle before getting married. So that was kind of just couple time and you don't know how everything changes when you get married, but there’s certainly this calming of expectations to some extent. Sophie found out she was pregnant three or four months after we got married, and so we had Kai very early. We definitely had to put in place not boundaries, per se, but rules and systems, to make sure that our relationship stuck together, and we're not perfect at it. But we put a lot of effort into it and talked about now, with three kids, moving an au pair into our home.
SJ: A babysitter for three kids wasn’t cutting it. It wasn't going to be enough for our sanity. And because we both worked from home and we both worked full-time, we have to be supported.
DR. AJ: Well, there has to be enough of it and it has to be consistent because one of the things that was driving Sophie crazy was she would be the one that manages all of that, all the babysitters. So, you know, you got three kids and date nights and work. So, if you would be spending four, five, six hours a week managing that stuff, it just – and here's part of the reason I'm saying all this detail - is we realized she was putting so much effort into maintaining the normalcy of our life. So, what we said is "Hey, let’s spend the money, spend the time to do the work and the research and bring in the sort of support that we really want" instead of this haphazard thing of "Hey, we haven't had dinner together in two weeks."
Let's go put the work into it. We put a lot of effort, a lot of work and a good amount of money towards keeping our relationship strong and making sure that there's a strong basis that we build everything else on because our kids get the benefit from it. Our friends, our businesses. Everything else gets the benefit if we are in a good place.
IT'S DATE NIGHT
WOO: Absolutely. The foundation is definitely there and I do agree having that help is so important because as you guys said, this all started because you guys were in love and are in love. So, to have that as your foundation is so beautiful. I know you said, Sophie, a regular date night once a week maybe is unrealistic, which is so true. I'm sure so many moms can relate to that. I think you had the right idea of being true to your schedule. So, whatever date night is for you, how do you guys set that scene, what is your favorite thing to do? Where do you like to go?
SJ: Yeah, I mean, we like it to be like as easy as possible. We don't need to necessarily get on an airplane and go somewhere. We love getting away on our own terms, but also we love coming home. We don't want a bunch of drama to get to where we need to go to let go. We can stay in Santa Monica, six miles from where we live and completely disappear and let go but you know, we also have to really make a concerted effort. So that means the minute that we land and we put our stuff down, we work really hard and put a lot of effort into being connected. Putting our phones away and unwinding and doing all the things that we need to do to make sure that it really feels like we're disconnecting from our home life, our regular day-to-day life, and we're dropping into each other, into our relationship, so that we can be better connected and sometimes that's literally a night, an evening, a morning. And other times it's a whole weekend, if we're lucky enough. Last month, we went away for two days and two nights and by the end we were like ok, we're ready to come home now!
DR. AJ: Yeah. So you started the beginning saying, what if you can't do it every week etcetera, the important thing is just I think, on average, to have these things happening and if you're paying attention and it's not happening every week, then you put a little concerted effort into it. You start it up again. It's totally okay if it goes up and down.
SJ: You might not even need every week. You two might be in sync enough that every other week is plenty or once a month is plenty. Like back in the day - when we were in, like, crisis mode -we had to go to therapy twice a week. Well, guess what? Now we can go once a year and with a little bit of healing here and there we reconnect, and it’s enough.
DR. AJ: Absolutely.
SJ: It’s very dependent on checking in with where you're at and what you need as parents and individuals in your relationships.
KEEPING THE SPARK LIT
WOO: To that point, how do you spice it up, keep the spark? I wish there was another word for spark but spark is kind of what I mean to say. So from two different levels - advice for new couples on keeping the spark, whether or not they work together, whether or not they even live together, as well as advice for couples that have been together forever. I know you guys have been married for…how long now?
SJ: This October it'll be ten years.
WOO: Ten years! You've been married for 10 years, that’s so wild. And you were dating for five before that. You guys have been together for fifteen years. I mean, that’s crazy and you’re so young! I’m sure there are a lot of other people in your boat as well. So, when you've been together for 15 years, when you have three kids , when you have both have jobs, when you have jobs together...how do you keep the spark?
SJ: I’d say continuously redefining what it means to be in a relationship with that person. So, continuously picking that person over and over again, finding new ways to explore what it means to be that person's partner and keep it mysterious. Stay curious, stay open-minded and just be aware that things can shift at any moment and you want to just roll with that and not be resistant towards it. Being open to different experiences, being open to different tools, being open to different ways of communicating.
WOO: And advice for single people. So, single girls, single guys. Most of our audience is obviously women, so advice for single females that either were in a relationship that they're now out of, or who have been single for quite some time. It's so hard today, and so advice for finding that spark from the beginning, I guess?
SJ: Yeah, I think first of all for anyone that is single now and maybe looking to other people and being like, “Oh, all my friends are getting engaged” or “All my friends are having babies” or “All my friends x, y & z.” Like I get that a lot from my followers.
WOO: Yeah, I feel that.
WOO WORDS OF WISDOM
SJ: And you know what, the bottom line is: if you are whole and you keep working on yourself so much, you don't even remember that you were looking for someone in the first place. Adi does his work with addicts all the time. He says, "the minute you're healed is the minute that you stop asking me when you can drink again."
If it’s not on your mind and you're not constantly like, I've been sober for 37 days, does that mean I get to drink now? Same thing goes for a relationship. If you're not constantly dating, worried, thinking “does he like me? If you're not constantly seeking that attention and validation from others and wanting to find “the one” every single day and obsessing over it. When you start to fully be immersed in yourself and becoming whole through therapy, through workbooks, through reading, through podcasts through traveling, through your passion, through your work. If you are so full in your own way of being and who you are and loving so fully who you are, you're not going to be worried about who's doing what because they're on their own path and you're on yours. And as soon as you feel fully whole that is when it's going to. And that's when you're going to show up differently to the universe and that's when you're going to find your person. Not before then. And you don't even want the version of whoever that guy or girl is if you are single. You don't want to attract that person, because they're not on the vibration you are wanting to attract.
Listen to Dr. Adi & Sophie dive DEEP into all things relationship, sex + spirit on their podcast, IGNTD.
HUBS & HERS FOUNDERS,
MR. & MRS. FARINA, PART I
THE BACKGROUND STORY
LINDSEY FARINA: Okay, so my husband and I will probably kind of go a little bit back and forth, but we are a husband and wife duo, behind Hubs & Hers. We've been married for five years and our business has been open as long as we've been married. We started the same year we got married and honestly, you know, it really is kind of crazy. It started as a hobby, and my husband and I both worked full-time and we spent so much time apart, and our schedules were just completely opposite, and all we did was work, and it was awful. I'd come home from work. He would make dinner, we'd go to bed. We'd wake up and do it again and every week we just looked forward to Sunday and that's just kind of how we lived our lives and then this hobby started and my husband saw that it wasn't really doing anything but taking up more time. So he literally screen printed, and turned, you know, a guest bedroom project into a business. We've literally just transformed our lives to run our business and we both quit our full-time jobs.
ROB FARINA: And we still live for Sundays.
LF: We work even more than we did beforehand, but our business is just us. We create the products. We build them. We make them, we print them, we package them up. We ship them home. We do all the emails. We do all the photography. We do our website. What you see is what you get, it's just the two of us and it's funny, because we're so fucking tired that we need WOO at night!
WOO: So going into your relationship and how that started - you said that the business started around the same time that you guys got married as well. How long did you guys know each other before you got married? And how did you meet?
RF: We’ve been married five years.
LF: And we’ve been together eight years total. It feels like forever. We met, dated, got engaged. We did it kind of all in order, got married, unconventional wedding just the two of us. And you know, building our business and now four years later, it's funny we're closer than ever. But it's like what they say, your relationship changes when you get married. Everything changes. We’re best friends, but we have some bloodbaths over our business!
HOW THEY MET
WOO: This is totally cheesy, totally corny, but I have to ask since this is a relationship blog and we talk about everything. How did you guys know each other was “the one” and what was the next step you took when you guys met for the very first time?
RF: When we met we were both with other people. I was managing a restaurant in Delray Beach and she came in looking for a job interview. And I just I'll never forget, like I remember that day – what she was wearing, everything. Then I watched her come in and talk to someone and say that she was looking for a job. There was another girl there, and she was handing in an application. So, Lindsey didn't want to fill one out and I walked out and made her fill it out - and I hired her that day. Told her she can start tomorrow, and then we had this crazy connection. We didn't do anything wrong, we were at work, but there was something there. And then one day I was cashing her check out from the other night and she looked at me and was like, "I broke up with my boyfriend."
WOO: Oh my god.
RF: And then somehow the girl I was dating and I got in a really big fight. And then Lindsey came to dinner one night at the restaurant, like she had the night off, and I think she moved in three months later.
LF: We basically started hanging out the moment we were both single. And still nothing happened, because I was very adamant about not sleeping with him in the beginning because I was very interested and I knew that, you know, meeting at work and being in a relationship would be a thing. We went months and months and I used to come sleep over and get in bed and we'd be naked and he'd be so frustrated. He’s like, “We can't do this it's not normal to be naked in bed.” I'd say, "Yes. It is." He’s like, “Not if we’re not having sex!” What’s funny is my recollection of that day was, you know, I just moved from Southampton College and I was dating this really boring guy. I just wanted a fun job. And so, there's an area in South Florida called Atlantic Ave. And I'm sure it's nothing like California, but it's like super cute like restaurants and bars.
WOO: I love it!
LF: And I just wanted like a fun bar job and he hired me and I remember being like immediately attracted to him, but he wasn't my type. He was wearing an Affliction t-shirt. He had a strap. He was over the top. I’d never let it go. It was 2011 you know. And he was stern with me, like he wasn’t warm and I remember being like “Oh wow, what a jerk.” And I went home, I was living at home with my mom and I was like “Oh Mommy, I got the job and the guy that hired me was a jerk, I don't get it.” And my moms like oh my god, you only got hired because your dress is see-through... it looks like you weren't wearing underwear...he saw that! And my mom totally blamed me and then at work, you know, I was kind of intrigued by the fact that he really tried to play cool and act uninterested, which I appreciated because we were both in relationships and neither of us were interested in cheating or breaking any boundaries. That's not at all what we're about whatsoever, the farthest thing from it. So as soon as I realized I was interested in him, I called it quits with my boyfriend at the time because I was like, wow these feelings are weird. And I would just think of any excuse to talk to him at work. Any excuse to ask him a question, come up to him. It was just undeniable, and and it became this point where everyone else really rooted for us and wanted us to get together because there was just such a thing and then as soon as we were dating, I could not work with him anymore because he was my boss and that was a thing. And now here we are again, working together eight years later. And I’m his boss!
IT'S DATE NIGHT
WOO: That's fucking amazing. My favorite question to ask couples: It's date night. Everyone loves to know the dirty details of a routine – right? Morning routines, skin care routines, blah blah. But what no one is talking about is their sex routines or their date night routines. It’s seven o’clock. It’s Friday night. Set the scene for us - what are you each doing? Where are you going? What are you wearing?
RF: Now or five years ago?
WOO: We can time travel a bit. If you want to do 5 years ago, that’s ok.
RF: Now, if tonight is date night, we would cook dinner and relax and hang out with our dogs, and then probably crawl into bed. And watch Game of Thrones and get ready for the new season with a bottle of WOO.
WOO: I love you guys.
RF: I mean we go and do things all the time. We were at a concert on Sunday. We rented those three wheel cars and drove around, and we always do fun stuff. But I would never call it a typical date night, where we go. I hate movie theaters. It's never gonna happen.
LF: Yeah, we hate a public movie theater. Five years ago, we were always going out. We were getting dressed up all the time, and just going out and we have a few drinks and then we'd like to meet friends or we come back and have crazy, drunk sex or whatever we were doing. Now we crawl out of our garage sometime between seven and eight. We'll make dinner and forget date night clothes, our date night clothes are going to be us freshly showered. My husband either butt naked and me maybe with a t-shirt only - like, no bottoms. That and just literally crawling into bed. We just bought ourselves a nice bed this year. So, we've been really spending a lot of time in it.
RF: Get the bed that can move your head and feet up and down, not only for your comfort, but for sex as well.
WOO: I would imagine that would spice things up a bit.
LF: The positions.
RF: Yea, sit up, back, no problem.
WOO WORDS OF WISDOM
WOO: That’s wild. Do you have any last words for our readers, any advice? Our audience is kind of mixed, all walks of life – we have our single girls, friends-with-benefits people, and then of course we have husband and wife duos like you. What advice would you give them?
RF: Anybody in a relationship, I would tell them never go to bed angry no matter what happens, talk it out. Do not go to bed angry and just make time. Make time to have sex with each other, make time to please that other person, make time to make sure that other person's happy in your life. You can’t be only one who’s happy to be in a relationship. You have to always make sure the other person is happy and know what's going on. With my wife, I'll be asking for three days straight, "What's up, something wrong?" No. No, nothing’s wrong and then, "So, there is something bothering me." Why'd you make me do this for three days! You know, get it out there. And then you learn from your mistakes and realize that there's two people in a relationship and both people have to be happy. That's it.
WOO: I love that. Thank you. Lindsey?
LF: I'm on a similar page. And he wasn't always this way! He would kind of get mad and he would want to have space apart. He would just want to have a minute and not talk, and he would go in the other room and I wouldn't allow that. I would I mean, for a minute, but I like wouldn't allow that to be the thing - I'd say let's just talk about this like we have to just hash it out. Our marriage is so important to me, you know, and getting a divorce is not an option for us. If either of us is unhappy, I know that it can be fixed. We're both insanely attracted to each other. We love having sex and those two things can keep everything spicy no matter how long we're together. So, just absolutely always just checking in on each other. Oh, and I agree, going to bed together. Love is really cool. Check on your partner, have sex with them, have safe sex, have good sex. That’s it.
ASTROLOGER, SPIRITUAL TEACHER
DANIELLE PAIGE, PART I
IT’S DATE NIGHT
WOO: Let’s begin! Whether you are dating, in a relationship or take yourself out – set the scene for us. It’s date night. Friday, 6 o’clock, maybe you just finished wrapping up from work or coming home from a meeting. You are like, “Okay, I have dinner plans tonight.” What do you do? You are home - how do you set the tone?
DANIELLE PAIGE: Yes, I am dating and I think it really depends on who I am going out with and how I am feeling. I really listen to my body and what it tells me. Where am I going? Maybe we are going to dinner, maybe I am getting dressed up. You know, I really make an effort. This is something that came up, when I was younger and I used to get dressed for dates. It was almost like I was not enough and it was like I have to look good, I have to have the perfect outfit, I have to have the perfect makeup and hair. When I realized I was becoming that way, I was like that doesn’t feel right and that was actually coming from a place of insecurity. Now, I get dressed up and I am coming from a place of being a goddess and adorning myself. I would put on jewelry, I would put on makeup if I want to, put on a dress, put on heels. It feels good, it is like a totally different vibration if I am a goddess. No matter what the guy does or doesn’t do, it is like this is who I am, I am a goddess and I know my power and this feels beautiful. I want to put on the bracelets and I want to put on the necklace because I am just adorning myself like a queen.
WHAT SEXY FEELS LIKE
WOO: I love that, that is so cool. Today, the word sexy means a lot of things. A lot of times, peoples say movie stars, like the Marilyn’s and the Liz Taylor’s of the world. Then, there came Audrey Hepburn, and everyone in Hollywood created these different vibes. Someone, somewhere sat down and was like “that’s sexy.” So, we live in 2019 where obviously body positivity is booming and we love that, and it is so inspiring to see that everyone is being welcomed and everyone is aiming for that inclusion. In terms of the word sexy, what does sexy mean to you? What does sexy feel like to you?
DP: Again, it has changed as I have gotten older over the years. To me, sexy is someone that is confident in their own skin. With that being said, we all have our insecurities; we all have things that sometimes we don’t love and sometimes, we don’t like. I am not sitting here saying oh my god! I don’t have any insecurities and I am just totally perfect and everything is fine. No, but it is saying, maybe I am feeling a little bloated and I am feeling this. But again, I am still me and that is what is sexy. It is okay to have these preconceived faults, but they are not even faults that we perceive. Sexiness is confidence, sexiness is that feminine heart and energy and energy is not wearing dresses, energy is heart.
WOO: Wow! I love that. You answered the second part of my question, which is, how has the definition of sexiness changed throughout your life.? As you mentioned, it is evolving and changing as you grow and as you kind of come into your own - right?
DP: Yes, it is completely different. In my 20’s, I just wasn’t comfortable at all in my skin. I think I am still learning to be comfortable because now, there is a whole other side of things. What happens is that you are in your 20’s and you are not really that confident sometimes. But when you get out and you are in your 40’s, then it is like oh! There are things dripping and there are wrinkles and there are neck pains that I didn’t deal with before. Now, I am dealing with that so there is always going to be something, and the point is to be okay. In the middle of all these wrinkles, I am still sexy. 20 year olds don’t have some of the stuff that I have now but we are still insecure, we don’t really know who we are, which is a turn off. So, there is always going to be something, and you have to say, can I sit with this? Can I be okay with this? Can I breathe into this?
WOO: Yes, the idea of self-care, which is so important and the same goes for self-love. It is one of those things that can be easier said than done. For actionable next steps for people, at least from your own personal experience, what are some ways that you practice self-love? How do you bring self-love into your lifestyle?
DP: Well, the obvious. Let us start with the superficial stuff and then we could go deeper. The obvious is I am a Taurus with a Cancer moon. I love comfort, I love anything luxurious, I am really good at taking care of myself. So, a bath with lavender, with essential oils and some crystals in there with candles. I get facials, I get massages so I am really good at taking care of my body, I am really indulging in allowing my energy to rest. Then if we take it a step further, checking in with myself. Does this feel okay? I won’t do anything that goes against anything I feel because I won’t lie and break my own heart.
WOO: That is what it comes to.
DP: My heart has been broken many times, I would not break my heart anymore. I used to break my own heart.
WOO: I love that line.
DP: Men might come and men might go, I cannot control that. Even if we are married, the reality is that it really doesn’t mean anything anymore. You see people in a relationship and they think they are relationship experts because they are married but to be honest, some are just toxic. I can be in that kind of relationship but I am choosing not to be. The journey of a relationship is not that you are in one because anyone can happen to be in one.
WOO: I think it is so interesting that you touched on that because I have been thinking about that a lot lately. Especially working on this relationship/ sexual wellness blog. I feel like when people get married or are in a relationship, they think they sign the deal and they say they are “boyfriend” or they are “girlfriend”, “we are engaged”, or whatever it may be. They take it as this box that you can check off, like you are done, there is nothing else to do, there is nothing else you have to "worry about.” And that’s just not true.
HEALTH IS WEALTH
DP: I have one more that is really important.
WOO: Yes, tell me!
DP: I eat very healthy now and I feel like years ago, people would be like “you are just eating a salad…?” It is always people that are insecure about their own selves that are commenting. I would never look at someone eating vegetables and eating organic and be like…they are always looking at other people’s projections, and I am really very cautious about what I put in my body now. I am not saying I am a saint, of course, I have sugar. Of course, I drink wine once in a while but I listen to my body. If it is okay, I would drink a little bit. Sugar really affects me so I really can’t have a lot of it anymore. Maybe if my body wasn’t affected by it, maybe I would have it in moderation. I really watch what I put in my body, I am not perfect and I am not saying anyone should be, but listen to your body. You really are what you eat.
WOO: Is there a certain type of diet? I was going to ask what your style of eating has grown to be and what you find works best for your body.
DP: The biggest, most important thing, is every single person is different and what works for me is not going to work for everyone. I do not subscribe to any of the fad diets or anything, absolutely not. That is so toxic and it is unhealthy, you have to find what works for you. Since I have been going through so much health stuff in the past year and a half or almost 2 years - I have had to learn. I literally would eat something and see how that affects me and then I am like that is not good for me. Whatever works for your body, I don’t even have a name. I eat what works for my body.
WOO: Intuitive eating over everything!
DP: Everything in my life is listening to how I feel.
WOO: Is there anything else you want to share with our readers?
DP: Just about relationships, because I have had so many, and some of them have been really hard to get over. But the thing is if you can just appreciate them for what they are, how amazing is it that you two met on this earth plane, at this time to come together to feel what you felt. Maybe it is not to be together, but just to acknowledge that it was really beautiful, that it was a gift and that alone is really powerful.
MORE MAGIC from Danielle Paige on social @iamdaniellepaige and through her intuition led workshops https://daniellepaige.com/