I’m Athena Gayle, and I’m a sex writer. I work with an awesome company called Arya (we help couples have more pleasure in the bedroom and ICYM, from now until 10/31/24, if you sign up for Arya, we'll give you a Free Coconut Love Oil. No code required*).

And I also absolutely love anal sex. I might actually prefer it to vaginal sex. 

I get it, you may feel apprehensive about it, or maybe you had a bad experience – girl, same. But, trust me, there is soo much more to anal play than the obvious penetrative anal sex experience. Ready for some guided erotic exploration from an Arya Sex Expert? F*ck yes, you are! 

So, Why Do People Love Anal Sex?

Over the last couple of decades, anal sex between couples has spiked! In a 2022 study, researchers discovered that 40% of women have dabbled in anal sex play.

And honestly, it’s not surprising. 

Anal play – if done right – can feel super incredible. There are a ton of nerve endings in and around the anal area. Creating a sensitive space that is just begging to be touched, caressed, and pleasured. Physiological studies (AKA how your body works) show a link between orgasms and your anus. Because your anal sphincters are part of your pelvic floor when you spasm from orgasmic pleasure, so does your booty-hole. 

Anal Pleasure Mapping

The pudendal nerve is the reason this all feels amazing. It’s the nerve that carries sensations from your body to your brain. It starts from the lower part of your spine and travels down your groin. 

The perineum, AKA the ‘taint’ or ‘gooch’, is the stretch of skin between your anus and vulva or penis. For many folks, this is a hidden gem of pleasure, thanks to its overload of nerve endings.

And lastly, the anal sphincter. This has two parts: the internal and external sphincters. The internal sphincter is involuntary, meaning it does its thing without you consciously controlling it – like your heartbeat. The external sphincter, however, listens to your commands. If you say or think “relax”, it relaxes; or if you say/think “clench” it’ll clench. 

Can You Have Anal Sex Without Pain? 

If you’re doing it right, pain shouldn’t be the norm. 

With literally everything new in the bedroom, start with communication. You’ll never go wrong with an honest discussion about your fantasies and how adding new play would be super hot for both you and your partner. 

Don’t skimp on the safewords. The traffic light system is a great introduction to safewords during your sexploration. Red for “stop” and yellow for “slow down”. Or as I like to use: “orange” for slow down and “pineapple” for stop. It’s okay to have basic safewords :) 

5 Bootylicious Tips For Beginners

1. Use condoms. Women are 17 times more likely to contract an STD during anal sex compared to vaginal intercourse. Even if you’re monogamous, it’s still a good idea. 
2. Say no to jackhammer sex. Instead, practice slow and careful thrusting AND use a ton of lube. Going too hard or too fast may cause unwanted tears or anal fissures.
3. Never go from anal to vaginal. If you do this, you’re setting yourself up for super icky bacterial infections. If you decide to switch things up mid-session, both you and your partner(s) need to wash up thoroughly. This includes any toys used. And change out the condom if you’re using one. 
4. Combine it with other stimulation. If you’re feeling extra, add clit stimulation or vaginal penetrating during your anal play – or, try ALL three at the same time! 
5. Choose thicker lubes. Water-based lubes are the best for vaginal sex playtime – but oil-based lubes are amazing for anal sex. Your derriere is built to absorb water so water-based won’t last as long. You’ll want a nice, thick, long-lasting oil-based lube to keep the butt play going smoothly. 

Anal Play Time

So, where should you start your anal sex adventure? The outer part of the anus or the “rosebud” as it’s affectionately called. Start slow, with gentle pressure, and increase gradually. 

Massage the Rosebud

Have your partner lay down on their stomach and squirt a generous amount of Coconut Love Oil onto your hands. 

1. Begin with squeezing and rubbing their booty and the sides of their hips. 
2. Use your hands to gently spread their cheeks, letting the cool air caress their sensitive bits.
3. Create a ‘C’ shape with your hands and draw imaginary clocks on each cheek. 
4. Be playful and jiggle their booty! 
5. Slowly slide your hand (palm side down) from the top to the bottom of their bum crack. 
6. Use your thumbs to spread their cheeks apart and massage their anus with slow swirling motions. 
7. Let your fingers tap-tap-tap over the rosebud. Move up and down or keep it steady, depending on what feels uh-mazing for your partner. 
8. Place your thumbs one over the other and make slow, swirling motions right over their anus. Play around with tiny to big swirly motions. 
9. Finally, use a finger or two to create loopy circles around the external anal skin. Feel free to add a little kiss to the top of their booty! 

Eat That Booty!

Anlingus AKA rimming AKA a rimjob, is a sexual activity where you use your mouth, lips, and tongue to stimulate your partner’s new favorite erogenous zone – the anus!

Gently kiss and lick around their inner cheeks, spread them further apart. Tease them with a figure 8 motion, swirling around their sensitive rosebud. Slowly lick the full length of the butt crack. Mix up the movements with circles and light flicking. Press your face deeper, thrusting your tongue in and out – go soft, soft, and then harder, more firm, then soft again. 

Use your fingers with your mouth, swirling your thumb around their sphincter while your tongue caresses right below. Experiment with different tongue pressures – use the entire flat portion of the middle of your tongue to ‘lap’ against them. Play around with licking back and forth from the anus to their perineum. Or send them into sensual shockwaves with vibrations by puckering your lips together and ‘buzzzzzzing’ them. 

Penetration Station

Take it slow and start small – like pinky size small. And use wayyyyyy more Coconut Love Oil than you’d think necessary (trust me, you need this). As they relax, add more to the penetration – more fingers, a small dildo, or a buttplug. Slowly allow them to stretch and become comfortable with the experience. If you need to take a break or stop altogether, that’s okay! Sex isn’t always a race to the Big O, the novelty of new things will build intimacy in your relationship. 

Don’t forget to make the penetration feel even more orgasmic with added external stimulation. Slide a finger up and down their butt crack. Swirl a thumb over the sphincter and around the penetrating object. Or massage and stroke their booty cheeks. 

Want to know my favorite way to play? I am obsessed with anal beads! Lay on your side with your booty scooched to the side of the bed, while your partner stands next to the bed. Have them give you a short – super lubey – anal massage and pour plenty of lube on the anal beads. Feel free to grab your favorite wand or vibrator for extra clitoral stimulation. 

Your partner will slowly insert one bead at a time. Tug it a tiny bit, without popping it out, then push in the next one. Again, tug a tiny bit, just enough to widen your anal sphincter, but without the bead coming out all the way. Repeat until you’ve reached your limit OR all the beads are in. Then, slowly pull them out – all while you’re giving your clit all the vibrating attention it craves. Believe me, this combination of play will send you into an orgasmic puddle!

The Bottom Line

Anal sex isn’t all about penetration and it isn’t gender specific. Folks of all genders can feel pleasure from anal play. With open communication, curiosity, trust, and a whole bottle of lubrication, isn’t it time to explore more? 

Meet Arya

Meet Arya, your go-to guide for all things sex and intimacy! Arya makes it easy for couples to break out of routine, deepen emotional connection, and energize their relationship with curated experiences called ‘Scenes.’ Just take a quick quiz about your relationship, and Arya’s Concierge will send you everything you need to explore something new every month. You’ll get expert insights, step-by-step guidance, and a box of high-end goodies delivered right to your door. Arya takes care of the details so you can focus on each other.

*Sign up for Arya now until 10/31/24 and they'll gift you free a Free Coconut Love Oil. No code required. Offer valid on all their current subscription plans starting at $39.95 plus $4.99 shipping.