If only having sex just happened naturally and perfectly every time… 

But let’s face it, oftentimes the hardest part of having sex can simply be initiating it.  No matter your relationship status, gender, or sexuality, sexual initiation is something many people struggle with.

According to Dr. Justin Lehmiller , lack of sexual initiation can be caused by a couple of things: 

1. Many heterosexual couples feel pressure to adhere to traditional gender roles of women as the “gatekeepers” of sex and men as the “initiators” of it. 

2. Initiation can be tied to personality. For example, being introverted, lacking self-confidence, and being more reactive to stress are linked to less initiation. 

3. We’re less likely to initiate when we don’t experience much spontaneous desire for sex and, instead, experience more responsive desire.

While talking about sex and initiation may seem daunting or “un-sexy,” it is crucial in opening the doors to the best sex of your life.  We can admit that it is not always a breeze bringing up these conversations, but in the end, it will improve your sex life drastically and do wonders for you and your lover.

Not only does sex bring people closer together, but it also forges a path to a much greater bond.  Here are our top tips on initiation, because everybody deserves that post-sex high.

Just What The Doctor Ordered…Dr. Justin To The Rescue!

Tip #1- Do a sexual check-in with your partner

If you want your partner to initiate more, it’s important to get a broader picture of your sex life first. Note that this isn’t about complaining, blaming, or shaming—it’s about really trying to understand each other as sexual people so that you can cultivate a great sex life together. 

For example, maybe your partner wants to initiate more, but is under a lot of stress and just isn’t in the mood for sex very often.

The more you understand each other, the better equipped you’ll be to find an effective solution. So step one is really about identifying the roadblocks to initiation for both yourself and your partner and trying to remove them.

Tip #2- Try mixing up your initiation strategy

There isn’t just one way to initiate sex! Research finds that people don’t always pick up on their partners’ initiation cues, which means that sometimes a partner is initiating, but the other isn’t recognizing it. 

Initiation attempts can involve verbal requests, sexting, intimate touch, use of nudity (e.g., walking out of the bedroom naked), and more. Try different things and figure out what your partner does and does not respond to.

WOO Tip: Slip into our sexy robe so your partner will get the cue loud and clear…. #SpankMePlease.

Tip #3- Initiate at different times of the day. 

Some people are hornier in the morning, while others find themselves more aroused in the afternoon or evening. Sometimes we’re out of sync when we initiate, which again goes back to the importance of really understanding one another sexually. 

WOO Tip: If your partner is more of a morning sex lover, try joining them in their morning shower… #multitasking.  Just don’t forget the Love Oil!

Tip #4- Take is slowwww

You (and your partner) may benefit from giving arousal time to build. Change your mindset from thinking that sex must immediately follow initiation attempts to one that is more flexible. 

The initiation can start earlier in the evening, earlier in the day, or earlier in the week. Let the arousal and anticipation build, and you just might find yourself having more and/or better sex.  Consider even scheduling sex with your lover (in a sexy way). 

WOO Tip: Send your partner a calendar invite while they’re at work letting them know that you have sex on the menu right at 6 PM. 

Tip #5- Confidence is KEY

If you want to initiate more, but don’t feel confident in doing so, do some self-reflection. What’s holding you back? Sometimes we have body image or other confidence issues we need to address first. Feeling confident is key! 

Tip #6- You may not always be on the same page and that is OK!

It is important to realize that both frequency and satisfaction with sex can change over time.  All couples go through periods of time where they have a lot of sex, and also periods of time where they have less sex.  This is normal and it doesn’t necessarily mean that there is anything wrong.  

Instead of immediately reverting to self-defeating thoughts, suggest productive alternatives. For example, if your partner isn’t in the mood for penetrative sex, might they be in the mood for another kind of sex or intimacy? Or can you make a plan to be intimate on a different day?

We know the topic of initiation is not the most exciting, but it can certainly lead to a much more pleasurable and fulfilling relationship.  Give one of Dr. Justin’s tips a go and report back to us!  

We are rooting for you, babe.  XX WOO