Let’s get something out in the open: mismatched libidos happen.

One of you wants it three times a week. The other could go three months. One of you is initiating every chance you get. The other is...scrolling.

Cue the awkward glances. The tension. The overthinking. The internal monologue that sounds a lot like: "Is it me? Am I broken? Are we broken?"

Take a breath. You’re not alone—you’re human.

Desire discrepancy is ridiculously common in relationships, especially in the long term. And no, it doesn’t mean your partner doesn’t love you or that your sex life is destined for doom. Welcome to literally every relationship ever.

So what do you do when your libidos are playing different instruments, and the bedroom’s gone quiet?

Spoiler: you don’t need to be in sync 24/7. But you can find a rhythm that works for both of you.

First Things First: What Causes Mismatched Libidos?

There are a thousand tiny things that can mess with your sexual desire. Hormones. Sleep. Mental health. Birth control. Medication. Kids. No kids. That one stressful work email you never responded to. Yeah, that too.

And then there’s the more unsexy stuff:

• Emotional disconnection
• Resentment that’s built up over time
• Feeling like your body is more "functional" than "desirable"

Add that up and it's no wonder some nights you're more "Netflix and nap" than "Mushroom Vibez and moans."

(P.S. Mushroom Vibez vibrates. She stimulates. She makes partner play way less about pressure and way more about pleasure.)

Signs Your Libidos Are Mismatched

Let’s paint the picture: one partner is dropping hints (or full-on seduction moves) and getting gently—or not so gently—rejected. Meanwhile, the other partner feels backed into a corner, defensive, maybe even guilty.

Now we’re in "scorekeeping" territory. Who initiated last. How long it's been. Whether sex is spontaneous or scheduled like a dentist appointment.

And the guilt? Real. Some folks with a higher libido feel ashamed for wanting sex. Others feel like they’re constantly chasing. And the person with less interest? They might be walking around feeling like a disappointment.

When lack of sexual connection becomes chronic, people start pulling away. Not just in bed, but emotionally, too. That’s when things start getting dicey.

So, What the Hell Do You Do?

1. Stop Measuring Sex By Frequency

The idea that "normal" couples have sex 7 times a week is...well, made up. Sex doesn’t need to look the same for everyone. What matters is that both people feel connected, seen, and desired—in whatever way works for them.

That could mean penetrative sex once a week. Or oral sex every few days. Or a wild round of naked cuddling while watching reality TV and sharing a pint of something cold. All valid.

2. Talk About It (Yes, Even The Awkward Stuff)

You knew this was coming. But here's the thing: don’t have "the talk" in bed. Or when you're both frustrated. Or right after someone tries to initiate.

Try talking when you’re clothed. It’s calmer.

Questions that help:

• What does sex mean to you?
• When do you feel most desired?
• What’s one thing you miss about our early sex life?

3. Play With The Idea Of Scheduling Sex

Yeah yeah, we know. It sounds clinical. But scheduling sex can actually increase intimacy because it sets a vibe. It tells your partner: "I'm thinking about you. I want you. I’m carving out time for us."

And guess what? Anticipation is hot. (Just ask anyone who’s ever sent a "can’t wait for tonight" text.)

PSA: The Low-Drive Partner Isn’t Broken

Repeat after WOO: Having a lower libido doesn’t make you less loving. Or less sexual. Or less, period.

Your desire for sex might not be gone—it might just need a different kind of spark. Less pressure. More warmth. More teasing with personal lubricant and less "go time."

Let the foreplay last all day. Try Sensate Focus Exercises. Use toys that put you in control. Give oral sex without the expectation of anything more. Reconnect through touch that doesn’t have an agenda.

Pressure kills desire. Curiosity revives it.

And The High-Drive Partner Isn’t Selfish

Wanting more sex doesn’t make you needy.

It makes you human. Touch is connection. And wanting that connection regularly is okay.

But check in with your vibe: are you initiating from a place of pressure or from a place of play? Does your partner feel safe enough to say no without hurting you? That’s the real win.

And if you’re feeling disconnected? Try intimacy outside of sex. Flirt again. Send dirty texts. Make out like teenagers. Plan a vibe-y night that doesn’t revolve around whether it "leads to something."

When Should I Talk To A Sex Therapist?

Sometimes, all the oil-based lube and clitoral stimulation in the world can’t solve the disconnect. And that’s where a sex therapist comes in.

No shame. No drama. Just a third party helping you both feel heard.

If you’re stuck in a pattern of mismatched expectations, silent resentment, or sex becoming a fight instead of a way to reconnect, therapy can help clear the static.

Frequently Asked Questions About Mismatched Libidos

Why is my girlfriend's sex drive low?

A lower sex drive can be influenced by stress, hormones, medication, mental health, birth control, relationship tension, or even body image. It doesn’t mean she’s not attracted to you—it might mean her body or brain is in survival mode instead of sexy mode. Start by asking, not assuming.

How do you know if your libido is high?

If you find yourself frequently thinking about sex, initiating more often than your partner, or feeling frustrated by lack of intimacy, you might have a higher libido. There’s no official scale, but if you’re craving more than what your partner wants, you’re probably feeling the gap.

Do people with ADHD have low libidos?

People with ADHD can have low or high libidos, and sometimes both at different times. Factors like executive dysfunction, medication, overstimulation, or difficulty transitioning out of “task mode” can affect sexual desire. The interest is often there—but the follow-through can get lost in the mental tabs.

How do you sync libidos with your partner?

You don’t have to match exactly, but you can find a rhythm. Start with open, judgment-free conversations. Explore new ways to connect, like scheduling sex, experimenting with toys, sharing fantasies, or adding more non-sexual touch. It’s about meeting in the middle, not forcing sameness.

Final Thoughts On Mismatched Libidos

You don’t have to have the same interest in sex to have a strong sexual relationship. It just takes care. Humor. Flexibility. A little creativity. And sometimes, sex toys take the pressure off and put the fun back in.

Because honestly, sometimes getting in sync starts with stopping the pressure to sync at all. And starting with a positive vibe.